What effects does not having a father in your life have on a woman...

Been months since I blogged but the urge has definitely been there. The past few weeks I've been wondering how much not having a father in your life defines a woman and the choices she makes growing up. I've been through some very toxic relationships in my past. One physically abusive and several verbally abusive. It made me question my role in this. Am I choosing wrong and not seeing the warning signs? Is my attraction to aggresive men subconsciously based on not having that father figure growing up and maybe now in my adult life wanting to wind up with a man that exhibits those qualities?

The toxic abusive relationships I dealt with... I wonder would things have been different if my father were there growing up to guide me and to mold me. All I know for sure is over the past 10 years the relationships I experienced hardened me and not in a good way.  I became defensive, with a temper thats hard to control, Because I always felt like I had to have the upper hand or that I could never let my guard down with any man. Now after 33  years I have a chance to finally have a relationship with my father but I've found myself pushing him away not returning his calls... perhaps out of fear that he would leave again.

And I believe those same fears carry over into my adult relationships with men. I dont trust and I shut down emotionally when things seem to progress, all because of these thoughts deep down. The closer someone tries to get to me the more I pull away eventually. In an effort to say... No I wont allow you to eventually hurt me. And those toxic relationships from the past.... I made the mistake of thinking a man acting crazy or being controlling meant that he loved me... otherwise why would he act that way over me??

It wasnt until recently that I began to realize thats not a healthy relationship. I played games in relationships... sometimes starting arguments just to test the person Im with to see if they were going to walk away or to test their reaction to see if they would raise a hand to me or disresepect me. None of that is healthy. But its all an effort to try to make sense of my thought process and how it has been shaped over the years.



Signed

How to love....