Dear Dad....

I cant tell you why I need you so much right now I just know that I do. You been gone for so long since I was 2.... now Im 32... and you're home. You been reaching out for a year but I was afraid to accept the calls and form that bond. Always felt like you would leave me again. I need you more now than ever and Im ready to get to know you. So many years I missed having a father figure. I missed so many years that I dont know what I missed....

I just know its a void that has been empty for so long. So the tears I feel after all these years of not being able to see you or hear your voice. Im ready to trust and to put my arms around you and call you my dad. I know you love me. You never stopped writing. Never missed a birthday card

Its a love no other man on this earth can give to me.
I listened to your message that you left me on the 24th. You always call me. You never give up even when I dont respond back. You  keep calling. So many messages but I listened to your message and I heard you tell me this is your daddy. I love you

And I played that message over and over and over again....

I Want you in my life now and Im ready to get to know you.



Love

Discernment...

The true definition of discernment is : : the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure 

2

: an act of perceiving or discerning something

Discernment is a term used to describe the activity of determining the value and quality of a certain subject or event. Typically, it is used to describe the activity of going past the mere perception of something, to making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others

When I began my clinicals as I studied nursing last year I think it was the first time I ever truly felt discernment. All my life I've felt things on a different level than most people. I can identify and pull from the emotions that others feel and almost put myself in their shoes or see things from their eyes if I just allow myself. 

My first day in the nursing home was eye opening in many ways. I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness in truly caring for others at their worst point but I also felt the weight of the situation. I wondered what it would feel like to be trapped inside your mind living your last days. I fed people that couldnt speak or do for themselves.. but I still saw the twinkle in their eyes and I wanted to know what stories they had to tell. I walked into rooms and saw photos of my patients in their youth with so much vigor, and I wondered... what happened. Did they have the desire to tell me and relive those moments. I saw other nurses that were so short and abrupt with their patients. And I made a promise to myself that I would never become that person. The person so far removed from reality that they stopped caring. 

When I left that day, I left forever changed. Its not something I discuss much but a feeling thats constantly there.  And its not necessarily bad thing. I feel the pain of others emotions when they are in distress but I also feel the joy in peoples laughter and smiles. I feel the innocence of children. I feel the compassion in elderly people that have lived through many things. As I embark on this new chapter with finishing school the motivation I feel is beyond what I can put into words. No one can tell me Im not meant to be a nurturer and to heal and to be the one that comforts people through tough times. Its a spiritual feeling almost. Like God is telling me this is the path I've created for you.

The moment you know...

Sometimes we think we know what we feel and than there comes a defining moment.

Now I've had the day where I knew for sure I was in love with you.  You're so far away but I need you near. When I put my hands on you I feel electricity in my heart. When you smile it makes me light up inside.

When I kissed you I didnt want it to end. It just feels right. So perfect, so clear, so comfortable. I felt it and it wasnt because you did anything special or out of the ordinary but it was because I looked at you by my side and knew I wanted to wake up to you forever.....

Whats next?

I've been doing some soul searching lately. I feel like Im at the point in my life where I should already have accomplished certain goals. Its a huge part of me thats been wanting to tap into my creative side. Nursing school resumes in may and Im excited and ready to finish. I feel like its my calling.

But the desire to do more is still there. I feel like a bird that hasnt completely spread its wings. Sounds corny and cliche but its true. There is so much LIVING to be done and I dont feel like Im LIVING my life.

The reserved me would complete my degree and be a RN in VA or NC, live a simple life with me and my daughter. Throw a husband in the mix if thats whats destined for me.
But the ME that wants to be creative and live would love to take my daughter and go off and be a nurse in Paris or some foreign country. While tapping into my creative side...maybe getting into the arts or dance or becoming a chef by night. I want my child to live an enriched life not based on how much money she has but by the things she gets to experience.

I love music so much, I wonder if I could play a part in producing it or songwriting. I love fashion, maybe I could be a stylist for the stars, I love writing, maybe I could write scripts for comedy movies or sitcoms. I just know I want to make people smile and feel happy when in my presence.

I watched an old movie last night with Robert Deniro and Robin Williams called "awakenings"
I was sooooo into that movie from start to finish. It was cast in 1990 but it left a lasting impression on me. I could tap into my creative side and research cures for these post-encephalitic patients. The movie was very toughing and had I been the dr something like that would have brought me to tears.

My lifes a little all over the place right now and Im trying my BEST even when others dont think so, to get things in order and live the life I know I deserve


Until than

Love