Thursday, March 26, 2015
Toxic...
Its amazing to me how you can be so totally consumed and wrapped up into something or someone, for so many years and then one day wake up and feel absolutely nothing. Like a strong hold has been broken.
I think back over the last 7 years and it feels like I just woke up from a bad dream. Toxic....absolutely.
But Im really feeling finally that I give zero fucks about it and Im happy that its over. The bad times outweighed the good by far. Then I think about the audacity you have to dare point a finger at me after all you put me through. I place blame on myself for staying as long as I did and ignoring all the huge red flags that planted themselves all over every few months.
You cant hold me back, you cant break my stride and you can no longer have any type of control over me and my life. Now everything is crystal clear.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Mi Vida Loca!
It has been sooooooo long since I blogged I dont even know where to begin, nor do I necessarily have any one thing I want to talk about. I just missed blogging and Im trying to come back to it as often as I can.
Life has been up and down but I've been learning so many lessons throughout the past year.
I cant believe in 2 months I'll be turning the big 35
Its crazy I dont look nor feel it and I think you're only as old as you feel. I definitely have alot of living left to do and so many things on my bucket list that I want to continue to check off.
I did a flash mob at my job last week..... Awesome! We all did the Happy dance to Pharell with the doctors and nurses.
In just 6 months I've gone from a job at the mortgage company to working in a Hospital which im LOVING at the moment. It keeps me busy and I feel like its one step closer to my goals. I get to rub noses with the Doctors and nurses and get a first hand glimpse of what its like to be an RN. I give them much credit. They work HARD.
As for my weight gain journey I just stopped being focused on it and would you know I've been picking up a little weight. :)
About 7 lbs so far. I'll take it! lol
I have alot of different things I want to blog about which I'll address sometime during the next week. My tv shows Ive been watching, some celeb gossip, my fashion ideas and some of the random fun things I have planned for this summer.
I will be speaking about this whole Jay Z and Solange elevator battle, and some of my fav reality shows and all types of things coming up.
Also have you ever crowd surfed at a Waka Flaka concert??? I feel like its necessary. And I'll probably be doing that before the year is out. The crowd is super rowdy and I might break a limb but it looks like a rack of fun. Dont judge me
Im impulsive and random. Love it or hate it but thats me :)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
When do you point the finger at yourself?
Its been so long since I blogged but for the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of reflecting....thinking about what role I play in some of the negative situations that occur in my life. 2013 went by like a blur and for me personally it contained a lot of drama and arguing and stress.
Today it occurred to me that I cant continue to always point the finger at others because I play a key role in some of it by simply responding. I always heard sometimes silence is the best response but I've had quite a time putting that to use. I have never been able to turn the other cheek or walk away from confrontation when I feel that Im being disrespected...
I see red and I lose all control of my temper and that is not healthy especially for mfs that aren't worth it.
However I'm 34 now and I'll be damn if Im going to be arguing with people, especially people that don't mean anything special to me over pointless shit. Far too often I let people take me out of my square and I react to shit that I should just walk away from and ignore. Got into a little verbal spar with someone today and as I was responding to the texts I felt those feelings coming back, my face getting hot, the anger, etc..... all the things that aren't healthy for me at the end of the day.
So I said how about learning to just STOP responding. When we say we are going to remove the negative people and things from our life we need to do exactly that.
LET
THE
FUCK
GO
When people feel the need to get nasty and disrespectful block those bitches and keep it moving. That's what Im going to work on for this year. I know it wont happen overnight but Im taking steps towards it starting with just simply ignoring people and their SHIT.
Signed,
Love.....
Today it occurred to me that I cant continue to always point the finger at others because I play a key role in some of it by simply responding. I always heard sometimes silence is the best response but I've had quite a time putting that to use. I have never been able to turn the other cheek or walk away from confrontation when I feel that Im being disrespected...
I see red and I lose all control of my temper and that is not healthy especially for mfs that aren't worth it.
However I'm 34 now and I'll be damn if Im going to be arguing with people, especially people that don't mean anything special to me over pointless shit. Far too often I let people take me out of my square and I react to shit that I should just walk away from and ignore. Got into a little verbal spar with someone today and as I was responding to the texts I felt those feelings coming back, my face getting hot, the anger, etc..... all the things that aren't healthy for me at the end of the day.
So I said how about learning to just STOP responding. When we say we are going to remove the negative people and things from our life we need to do exactly that.
LET
THE
FUCK
GO
When people feel the need to get nasty and disrespectful block those bitches and keep it moving. That's what Im going to work on for this year. I know it wont happen overnight but Im taking steps towards it starting with just simply ignoring people and their SHIT.
Signed,
Love.....
Friday, May 17, 2013
What effects does not having a father in your life have on a woman...
The toxic abusive relationships I dealt with... I wonder would things have been different if my father were there growing up to guide me and to mold me. All I know for sure is over the past 10 years the relationships I experienced hardened me and not in a good way. I became defensive, with a temper thats hard to control, Because I always felt like I had to have the upper hand or that I could never let my guard down with any man. Now after 33 years I have a chance to finally have a relationship with my father but I've found myself pushing him away not returning his calls... perhaps out of fear that he would leave again.
And I believe those same fears carry over into my adult relationships with men. I dont trust and I shut down emotionally when things seem to progress, all because of these thoughts deep down. The closer someone tries to get to me the more I pull away eventually. In an effort to say... No I wont allow you to eventually hurt me. And those toxic relationships from the past.... I made the mistake of thinking a man acting crazy or being controlling meant that he loved me... otherwise why would he act that way over me??
It wasnt until recently that I began to realize thats not a healthy relationship. I played games in relationships... sometimes starting arguments just to test the person Im with to see if they were going to walk away or to test their reaction to see if they would raise a hand to me or disresepect me. None of that is healthy. But its all an effort to try to make sense of my thought process and how it has been shaped over the years.
Signed
How to love....
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Numb......
Its been SOOOOOOO long since I blogged but trust me the thoughts and feelings have been here needing an outlet. I was trying to sleep tonight and I thought about all the hoopla surrounding doomsday. Man does not know the day or the hour when the world will end so I find it entertaining to see people going to such extremes thinking tomorrow will be the last day. However.... in my trail of random thoughts it made me think about the victims of the Conneticut elementary school shooting.
As I lay holding my child in my arms I thought about how numb we have become. Every few weeks something huge happens, we see loss of life in large numbers, we have countries that have no unity, mass shootings, kidnappings, murders etc. We see these things so often and at that moment it grabs our heart, and the next thing you know life moves on for us.....
We're back on the 9-5 or the routine and how soon we forget all the tragedy that people have endured. It made me question bringing another child into a world like this... In a way its almost an injustice to bring a child into a world full of so much danger, and animosity, and hate. It shoudnt be normal to see some of the tragedies that I witness on TV now but this is the world that we live in and normal is exactly what it has become.
I like to think of myself as a humanitarian, as someone who was put here on this earth to make a difference and to be that person that hasnt become numb to it all. Alot of times when people have moved past the last "big thing" I think back to it and I wonder about the families and the loss of life. Its just who I am. But it all leads me to do soul searching figuring out what I can do to help.
This return blog is for sure not warm and fuzzy but just my thoughts as so called doomsday rolls in.
My opinion we been living in doomsday for the past 20 years. This so called life is full of paranoia because you never know whats next.
No pics with this blog tonight just had to get my thoughts out.
Until than,
LOVE
and for those that think tomorrows the last day I'll make sure to blog tomorrow to tell you suckers how wrong you were ;0)
As I lay holding my child in my arms I thought about how numb we have become. Every few weeks something huge happens, we see loss of life in large numbers, we have countries that have no unity, mass shootings, kidnappings, murders etc. We see these things so often and at that moment it grabs our heart, and the next thing you know life moves on for us.....
We're back on the 9-5 or the routine and how soon we forget all the tragedy that people have endured. It made me question bringing another child into a world like this... In a way its almost an injustice to bring a child into a world full of so much danger, and animosity, and hate. It shoudnt be normal to see some of the tragedies that I witness on TV now but this is the world that we live in and normal is exactly what it has become.
I like to think of myself as a humanitarian, as someone who was put here on this earth to make a difference and to be that person that hasnt become numb to it all. Alot of times when people have moved past the last "big thing" I think back to it and I wonder about the families and the loss of life. Its just who I am. But it all leads me to do soul searching figuring out what I can do to help.
This return blog is for sure not warm and fuzzy but just my thoughts as so called doomsday rolls in.
My opinion we been living in doomsday for the past 20 years. This so called life is full of paranoia because you never know whats next.
No pics with this blog tonight just had to get my thoughts out.
Until than,
LOVE
and for those that think tomorrows the last day I'll make sure to blog tomorrow to tell you suckers how wrong you were ;0)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Dad is that you?.... :)
I talked to my dad on the phone today...
I blogged about him a month or so ago about how I need and want him in my life now that he's finally home. We had a good talk for about 20 minutes or so. We're gonna hang out on fathers day. Its time to let go of my fears and move forward with trying to form a bond.
He said he's a sports fanatic and likes the Pittsburg Steelers and the New York Knicks. Maybe I can pick him up a sports hat and a nice fathers day card. We're gonna do lunch, me, him and my daughter.
Looking forward to getting to know him. It'll be the first fathers day I've ever been able to spend with my dad in my life.
WOW
:)
I blogged about him a month or so ago about how I need and want him in my life now that he's finally home. We had a good talk for about 20 minutes or so. We're gonna hang out on fathers day. Its time to let go of my fears and move forward with trying to form a bond.
He said he's a sports fanatic and likes the Pittsburg Steelers and the New York Knicks. Maybe I can pick him up a sports hat and a nice fathers day card. We're gonna do lunch, me, him and my daughter.
Looking forward to getting to know him. It'll be the first fathers day I've ever been able to spend with my dad in my life.
WOW
:)
Take a moment....
Monday was kind of a weird but thoughtful day for me.
What Im about to type will sound kind of random but it has sort of a moral at the end.
It started out a normal day....but later that evening when I got home I was cleaning up and Amari was right beside me and she all of a sudden started screaming and crying and couldnt really breathe. So in my haste trying to figure out what was wrong I noticed she kept holding her nose. She had a BEAD stuck inside her nose, and I dont mean a small bead that goes on the end of your hair I mean a big huge crystal bead that went to one my bracelets that broke. So Im trying not to panic and long story short it took me about 10 minutes, but I got the bead out of her nose. I used a crochet neeedle-the hook part and got it out that way. Now it scared the hell out of me because so many what ifs could have happened but anyway.... (Thats my princess :(
About an hour later I went to go check on my mom. Went In the house, went in her room and her lights were off- called her name, she didnt say anything. I cut the lights on and she was laid on the side of the bed, sweating, shaking, just kind of out of it. So I ran over to her asked her what was wrong, she said she had been throwing up and her feet and hands were shaking, she was hot, dizzy etc. I got her some cold water and made her drink it, put a cool cloth on her forehead, and massaged her feet and hands to get the circulation going. Im in nursing school so I figured she had gone into a diabetic shock. I sat with her til she was feeling better. those 2 incidents really had me feeling like wtf.
About an hour after that one of my guy besties calls and and he told me his father passed away that day. Seems like alot of people close to me have lost family members recently. So when he told me that, and I thought of the 2 scares I had with my daughter and my mom, and some of the things that have happened over the past few months to others.... it made me think.
Its so important to tell the people you care for that you love them.
So I sent texts to my close friends and a few select people I called, just to simply say I love you. I love you holds alot of weight but it has a different feeling to hear someone say it.
Its nice to hear someones voice and everyone texts now a days but how soon we forget what life was like before texting. I think families were closer, relationships were a little different in a good way. I still have a few people that I talk to on the phone often but literally I've been out to dinner with my girls and everyone at some point has their face stuck in their cell phone. Thats a whole nother story but I'll save that for another blog.
The present is a gift and you have to live each day being thankful for waking up. Thats a blessing in itself but we take it for granted. Everyones so busy with their lives, everyones texting, tweeting, working, partying but the little things we sometimes forget. I vow to never forget or never stop doing the little things.. They can be some of lifes best moments.
So take a little time out of your day and let the special people in your life know you love them. It only takes a minute but it means alot.
Until than......
What Im about to type will sound kind of random but it has sort of a moral at the end.
It started out a normal day....but later that evening when I got home I was cleaning up and Amari was right beside me and she all of a sudden started screaming and crying and couldnt really breathe. So in my haste trying to figure out what was wrong I noticed she kept holding her nose. She had a BEAD stuck inside her nose, and I dont mean a small bead that goes on the end of your hair I mean a big huge crystal bead that went to one my bracelets that broke. So Im trying not to panic and long story short it took me about 10 minutes, but I got the bead out of her nose. I used a crochet neeedle-the hook part and got it out that way. Now it scared the hell out of me because so many what ifs could have happened but anyway.... (Thats my princess :(
About an hour later I went to go check on my mom. Went In the house, went in her room and her lights were off- called her name, she didnt say anything. I cut the lights on and she was laid on the side of the bed, sweating, shaking, just kind of out of it. So I ran over to her asked her what was wrong, she said she had been throwing up and her feet and hands were shaking, she was hot, dizzy etc. I got her some cold water and made her drink it, put a cool cloth on her forehead, and massaged her feet and hands to get the circulation going. Im in nursing school so I figured she had gone into a diabetic shock. I sat with her til she was feeling better. those 2 incidents really had me feeling like wtf.
About an hour after that one of my guy besties calls and and he told me his father passed away that day. Seems like alot of people close to me have lost family members recently. So when he told me that, and I thought of the 2 scares I had with my daughter and my mom, and some of the things that have happened over the past few months to others.... it made me think.
Its so important to tell the people you care for that you love them.
So I sent texts to my close friends and a few select people I called, just to simply say I love you. I love you holds alot of weight but it has a different feeling to hear someone say it.
The present is a gift and you have to live each day being thankful for waking up. Thats a blessing in itself but we take it for granted. Everyones so busy with their lives, everyones texting, tweeting, working, partying but the little things we sometimes forget. I vow to never forget or never stop doing the little things.. They can be some of lifes best moments.
So take a little time out of your day and let the special people in your life know you love them. It only takes a minute but it means alot.
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